Poem

I wrote this poem after finding out Clomid didn't work last month. I thought I was prepared for it not working but I guess we're never really prepared, especially with such an emotional subject. I hate the phone calls I have with my fertility nurse, even though she is kind and has never said a cross word to me. I just hate the tension, the awkwardness, hearing myself say such personal information out loud and hoping my neighbours can't hear me (irrationally). The phone call for the CD21 protesterone test result was a particularly stressful one. Unfortunately what the nurse said made me feel really concerned about the result. She sounded mystified like she couldn't understand what had happened (it can't be unusual surely) and then told me my level was 4 and it needs to be 30. Wow, I was not expecting that. I just expected to be told whether or not I'd ovulated and which dose to take next month. It really upset me hearing how low my number was. So the nurse told me she would go and speak to the doctor about a new treatment plan and I had to wait an hour to hear back. In that time I sat and cried and I felt like writing so I sat with the typewriter and wrote this poem straight out. I haven't edited it at all, I want it to just express pure feeling. It expresses my exact emotion at that moment in time and after writing it out I felt a lot lighter.

it is winter in my heart

the shadows fall

                          everywhere

isolated, my heart beats

                          quiet

a shadow of itself

without reason the clock

moves forwards

                         tick tock

the beat of a drum

i wait

for a future that may never 

                          find me

there are not answers here

every single day

                         i try 

the world waits without reason

i was told when i was young

there was a future with you 

                           child

those brazen liars

uncaring of how my heart 

                        would break

when your being was stolen

it was never certain that you

would be mine, but

it felt like the surest thing.

really i don't know now

how do you become memory

without ever being?

more cruel than an empty heart

the world betrays me

cold and unhuman, life itself feels wrong

the truth is I was meant to be

                           someone

i'm still waiting to be 

without the power to make it

i am sinking, every day deeper 

time has become a question

                           without answer

i don't understand

my world spins in silence

i have never felt

                           so quiet.

Belle Reve... beautiful dream.

I chose the name Belle Reve because I remember it from studying "A Streetcar Named Desire" by Tennessee Williams, at college. I was told that it meant "Beautiful dream" in french. And that's always stayed with me.

My story

Here we go... this is my story so far.

I've always wanted children. I remember picking out names when I was only 14. I never assumed there would be anything wrong with me. I had no symptoms, my mother had no problems and conceived three children easily and quickly. Infertility wasn't discussed much either, I can't remember hearing hardly anything about it when I was growing up (up until recently included in that). I just assumed I would be fine. I was wrong.

I met my other half at university and we've now been together getting on for ten years. He's the best support I could have hoped for and for that I'm grateful.

I started TTC in March 2011. After a year I went to see my GP and was referred for tests and was found to have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) I was gobsmacked and I cried like a child. I had a blood test first and that was fine so I thought I was ok but then got the ultrasound results and that confirmed I had it.

I quickly recovered my spirits again because of hearing lots of success stories from Clomid and I just bolstered myself up with that and determined to hold onto hope. I just tried to be as positive as I could. But unfortunately the ultrasound I had done to look for PCOS caused some mysterious dermatitis in the vulval area and that took months of seeing specialists to get rid of (I could write a whole seperate blog on that subject...) In the end I found out I have allergies, one of which is a blue dye which was present in the lubricant that was used in my internal ultrasound test! I had to deal with this from March 2012 until january 2013, frequent burning, not just after urination but all the time. I saw many doctors who "didn't know what was wrong" and I can't put into words how much that time BROKE me. I had nearly a year of waiting to start fertility treatment because of it. I was stuck, I was trapped and I was also scared because of doctors saying they didn't know what was wrong and suggesting it could be permanent. I managed to go in for my HSG test in August despite having the dermatitis because I was so desperate to move things along. My tubes were found to be fine and clear.

Anyway, in the end I "went private" (I'm in England) in January 2013 and all it took was a simple examination and steroid treatments and within a month my dermatitis was almost completely gone and I was ready to start Clomid AT LAST.

Just to be clear- for fertility i'm on the NHS.

So I began Clomid last month. I tried 50mg. It didn't work unfortunately. I'm now on my second cycle and this time I'm on 100mg. I'm also on 1500mg Metformin a day (one 500mg tablet after each of my main meals). That takes me up to now...

hello and welcome

Since this is my first post I'll be honest and say I don't really know where to start. I've been going through infertility for quite some time now (more than 2 years) and I've thought a few times about starting a blog. Until now though it hasn't been the right time. It feels right now and I decided to just go for it. My hope is just that it might help me battle through what I'm going through and maybe I might connect with some lovely ladies going through the same awful experience..
I'm going to use this space to share my emotions, my hopes, my dreams and basically anything I feel. Please respect my right to do this, since it's such a sensitive subject any negative comments will be removed and the people blocked.