Going through infertility is the hardest experience I've ever known. I keep thinking to myself that I can't remember ever feeling even half the emotion I do now. I feel like my heart is slowly breaking, one piece at a time. It's changed my life and it's changed me. I wish I could go back to being the carefree girl I used to be before my heart became so heavy. I carry this invisible weight around with me wherever I go, whatever I do. It's always there.
The past two and a half years have been so difficult socially because just at the point I was first struggling to conceive, typically that was the time everyone around me seemed to start talking about the subject. After many bad experiences, it's made me scared of seeing certain people because I'm worried about what they might say.
Today I tried to talk to some family about what I've been going through. It's always really difficult because I can see so clearly that they have no idea the depth of emotion I'm describing and that upsets me. I feel sometimes like I'm desperate to try and make everyone around me understand how this feels but I know I never can. No words are enough. Many times over the past year I've had one thought keep coming back to me: this experience has taught me the gap between sympathy and empathy. However hard people try, however kind and well meaning they are, they cannot know what infertility feels like unless they've known it for themselves.
I really do understand what you mean about carrying the invisable weight around. It's like you push it to the back of your mind but it's always there and you can feel it. I find myself talking to people but drifting off into my own little world of fertility treatments and drugs! Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane and although people have been really supportive I know that they don't really know what to say. Sometimes it feels really awkward.
ReplyDeleteIt's so nice to talk to others who really understand and are going through the same experience...we can all give eachother strength and courage! xx
I know exactly how you feel. But for 8 years now. :( every time I turn around, someone is pregnant...ON ACCIDENT! Or they already have a child and don't know how to be a parent, complain about how they are sick and tired of being pregnant, etc. And another thing that gets on my nerves is when people tell me "it will all work out, stop thinking about it, leave it in gods hands, pray, it'll come when you least expect it." Blah blah.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you've been going through this such a long time :(
DeleteYeah I hate all those things you listed too. Women just don't understand unless they're in the same situation and it's so hard seeing pregnant women and babies every single day...
I love this post because it is exactly how I feel also. xo
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