Crying is ok here

So far this month I've coped a lot better with being on Clomid. Last month I let myself have too much spare time. I was scared to arrange anything socially, I was worried about having zillions of side effects and spent a lot of time just waiting for them. It seems silly now but it's best not to judge ourselves when going through something like that. It's really frightening (personally I found it so) taking something like Clomid for the first time. But like most things have been in my life, I found that once the month was over I looked back and thought "was that it?" (There were side effects but nothing scary. The worst thing was just the waiting around and feeling emotional...)

This month I've felt much less emotional so far. However, I'm still quite early in the cycle (lol) and on Friday morning I suddenly felt really upset. It was triggered by being invited to a social gathering which I knew was too much for me right now, too many people, too much risk of babies being mentioned... and that was all it took for me to fall apart. I'm not ashamed to say that I listened to this song and cried my eyes out for a few minutes...

particularly the lyrics: "it's been so long without you here... like a bird without a song"

I've not related that song to infertility before but I heard it on the radio recently and it stopped me in my tracks and it was that kind of feeling when you go a bit cold because you're so moved.

I let myself cry with real gusto, I let out all the emotion I was feeling and honestly I felt so much better afterwards, like a weight had lifted. I knew i'd got a friend coming round soon but I still let myself grieve in that moment, because I had to. Sometimes the emotion is just too much and you have to let it out. 

I've often reflected over the past year (I've been in this position for two and a half years but really the past year has been a different level of pain) how amazed I am that I've coped with this. BUT there is one very big reason why I've coped so well and that is because at every single stage I have allowed myself to grieve. I've let the emotion out and then I've carried on. I know it's hard finding the right level because you're scared of wallowing too much and making it worse for yourself, but the right amount of crying is essential in my experience.

What I've done is that whenever anything big has happened, I've let myself feel whatever I feel for that day, I've talked about it at length and cried without making any effort to constrain those tears. And in those moments I've often felt like I would need to cry for days and days and I couldn't face doing anything that day or that week, but every time I have found that actually, after really letting my feelings out, I've somehow suddenly felt a lot better (often within minutes) and managed to go out and do something or just sit and feel calmer and watch television.

I studied Psychology at college and I remember reading how depression and anxiety are caused by emotions being turned inwards. That really makes sense to me, especially after going through infertility. I've learnt that I have to let the feelings out when they first appear and I'm sure that has helped me enormously. 

So my message is: crying is okay. 

Don't ever feel bad for letting out these awful emotions that you've been forced to endure.

Crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of life.